I Wanted A New Look
How do we choose to change our outlook if everything we have experienced in the past is right in front of our face?
In my experience, it has been the hardest thing to understand. The destructive pattern I had created to embrace victory in my projects and in actualizing my goals was truly masterfully designed. This proves that at the same time we have good intentions, we can find ourselves not being synchronized with the actions we implement.
My master plan looked like this. In my fear and lack of courage, every time I was happy and excited about a new project or adventure, because I had been carrying so much failure and guilt, I wouldn’t give myself the opportunity to enjoy the journey. I was only looking at the result, the goal, in hopes that something better would embrace me up ahead. In the difficulty of admitting where I went wrong, where I stayed to long in a toxic relationship, where I didn’t want to see my reality, where the ego took over and kept me in the dark, I was dying. My soul was depleted and trying to talk myself out of my condition stopped working. I had stayed so connected to the unconscious information that it blocked my heart from feeling and expanding into my work. While I thought that my writing was helping me, my work was coming strictly from my head. My heart had checked out trying to connect to the information I was feeling. It became numb and feeling was rare and far between. My hearts desires to be a writer, mentor and inspirational speaker was disconnected from helping me connect to the passion of my purpose. It was truly a downward spiral. The pattern would repeat itself like being stuck in a maze of darkness. Spinning in circles was what I learned to do best. It happened year after year for a while. I had closed my heart, myself, my spirit, my intentions, until I realized one day that all my dreams had been shattered. It was no one’s fault but mine. I had to realize what I had done. The desire to be in control was simply an illusion that I had created. The desires I had for my dreams to actualize were trapped in a closet that had been locked by my own key. I did this unknowingly because the fear of failure was so strong that it was killing my essence of being me.
The absolute ultimate goal to having my dreams come true and being on purpose was to create a program, book, etc. and rather than connecting it to victory, I had connected it to failure. The steps of taking my projects and then feeling that they could be blocked by the fear that someone could affects its success, a rivalry would appear and impact the energy to propel my projects because of all the guilt and shame I had felt throughout the years about being in the public eye.
The awakening began to happen when I realized that what had happened years ago that I thought would never happen again in the relationship was replicated. This time was the biggest explosion of all. It was all I had shoved away, pushed back, swept under a rug and pretended wasn’t there, all came out at once. Not only was the event impactful to me but my boys witnessed it as well. I was in such shock that I had been revisited by such evil again that it took me a few months to interpret and analyze what had happened. When I was able to confront my truth with courage, I knew the end was here. I knew this was the big door of light and opportunity opening for me. The key wasn’t even necessary to unlock my dreams because the door was never locked. This was all my illusion. I understood for the very first time that the biggest punishment of all was what I had done to myself. Whether I stayed or left, I was in a failed relationship from the very first time he demonstrated his aggression and I was impacted. That was the first month of the relationship. This has been the biggest life lesson ever. The information I have received and all the lessons I have gone through were all necessary to bring me to now. To know that I was living in an illusion that what I had was good, even after bringing 4 amazing children into this world, was life changing.
In the process of admitting my fault and embracing all the tragedies, sorrow, abuse that I allowed myself to endure, I learned that I did it from a place of love. That the fear was so great, the guilt was so consuming, that it had truly paralyzed me and kept me in the whirlwind of illusion. This must be the most pronounced experience I have had in my lifetime. I could finally understand why I was incapable of loving myself or others or be passionate for my purpose because I had shut down my heart. My physical body had lost its flexibility. I became rigid in my stance. The will to live was just for survival and to be there for my kids. I couldn’t even feel my touch on my skin. The work with clients was my out and it came a time where I was seeing 50 client hours a week. It was where I could teach not to do as I did, without being conscious of how the information applied to me. In my transition, it was important to sell my office of 7 years and start new. Looking for the clean slate had to be in my business first. So, I did just that. I found a temporary office while I processed the healing. It was a good 6 months of dissecting my life and cleaning up all the debris that this relationship had left within me. There were days of joy, moments of anger, times of incessant crying, and many insults toward the person that I interpreted as hurting me. Then I had to go in depth journaling my position in all the different stages of my life. It was a very tumultuous time but it was so enlightening.
It was never about him, he had the opportunity to be with someone amazing but he didn’t know what to do with that and so he did the best with what he knew. It was all about me, how I could have accepted such a thing. It was important to release all the blame and all the resentment and just become the observer of my life. It was the only way I could come out of this situation with the power and inner strength necessary to catapult into the life of my dreams. It gave me so much hope to know that it was all behind me. I started to open my heart and become conscious of every moment. It was difficult at first because of the reprogramming process I had to endure. The process of just being in the space and time I was experiencing only in the moment was important to actualize into my true essence. I knew it was all I had. It was through gratitude that I could overcome the emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and energetic place I was in. Then little by little I have been able to see the brightness of the light within me. It has been through meditations, intentions and affirmations that I could begin to connect to my inner self and expand my soul being. I have been able to open widely to accept, allow and receive what is here for me now. I know life is beautiful and that I had been missing for a while but the greatness of being back is priceless. I had packaged my dreams in the same mind where my traumas were stored. I learned the importance of compartmentalizing my mind. The crossover of thoughts into the different minds was tragic. It made me scattered, confused, and disconnected.
This was all me!!! Imagine that?!! I had been able to put so much emphasis on the result of my purpose and my projects that I lost the opportunity to enjoy the journey. I was so impacted by not wanting something bad to happen that I unconsciously master planned the destruction of my dreams. I was doing it all wrong. Imagine that I, having so much information on how the mind works, overlooked how I wasn’t using the same principles in my own life.
My biggest question of course was why me? Then the other most powerful question came up which was why not me? I completely understand now how this happening to someone like me where I can go through the process in my own life experience to teach others from a place of knowing. In the process of being in the situation myself, I could relate to the different thoughts and emotions that resonate so that I could help identify the symptoms and the patterns. This is my work. To have the opportunity to complete my book its absolutely all about you because it was my life experiences, is huge to me. I always knew there was a chapter missing but not anymore. I am the chapter missing in my book.
The distorted perspective is only one interpretation of the truth. Expansion is to be open to all the possibilities of the information being presented.