I Prayed and Prayed

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In the beginning, I prayed for him not to be mad at me. Then I prayed for him to forgive me. I began to pray for the light to protect me and finally I prayed deeply for God to take him away.

When you’re in a relationship that is based on trying to make the other person happy even when they tell you they are used to being depressed and that sadness is how they live their life, you realize that there is nothing you can do to change that. 

My life had become consumed with making attempts to make him happy. It was filled with working so hard to make life great. His constant messages of his life being so hard and unpleasant I took it upon myself and exhausted all means to try to right that wrong. It was years and years of trying to buy things and plan trips to give him the experience of a lifetime and still it wasn’t enough.

We had the family, the beautiful home, the luxury cars, the delightful vacations, the education and career but the lack of pleasure haunted my existence. Many times it was pointed out that he had callouses in his heart because of all the people that had hurt him in the past and that statement totally deflated me. To be told that all the love, energy, time and attention I had put into making his life as perfect as can be, was disheartening. That’s the day I began to give up. I realized that there was nothing that was going to fill him with joy so I stopped trying. I began to accept my reality that my partner had chosen to live a life that was dissatisfying and I had to move on. I was so tired of trying that it had stopped being love. I know I had forgotten to love me and I had been so disappointed in him that the love for him was extinguished in the process. 

Today I pray for light and love in my life. I hope to one day find love again. It has been difficult to open myself to the opportunity of loving and accepting to be loved. Each day becomes easier. My prayers are full of gratitude for the freedom of finding me again when once I was lost in prayers of supplication for another.